Thursday, May 19, 2011

Zombies, the Rapture and the Outdoors

Note: Harold Camping had predicted the End of the World on May 21, 2011.  After the impending doom did not occur, he recalculated and found his error.  The prediction has been revised to Friday, October 21, 2011.  The ironic thing is the CDC came out with the Zombie Apocalypse plan just before May 21.  Now, as we approach the October 21 DEADline, Hornady has come out with the Zombie Z-Max ammunition.  Makes you wonder if Hornady has a contract to supply ammunition with the government in order to combat the coming apacolypse...So please, enjoy the repost as we near the End of the World, Zombie Apocalypse, and Halloween!

So I am reading the news headlines last week and I come across something I never would have expected.  The Center for Disease Control warns us to prepare for a zombie apocalypse.  You know the CDC does not take things lightly.  And with the billboards, ads, and news stories of the Rapture and the end of the world as we know it supposedly happening May 21st, it had me wondering, "Is the government hiding something?"  Now I know what you are thinking.  Yes, this is an outdoors column, and bear with me as I will have a point by the end of this column.  I think.

First, there are zombies.  There is this fungus that attacks a certain species of ants turning their brains to mush.  The fungus then sets off little electrical impulses to the ant's body causing the ant to move and do what the fungus wants.  Must be a smart fungus.  A stalk grows from the head of the ant, and the ant becomes a zombie ant.  Do not take my word for it, look it up.

Second, it is also known that this year is a really bad year for allergies with the longer pollen season and the smoke from the wildfires.  Add in the nuclear radiation from Japan and I picture a sequel to the movie "The Happening" where the pollen mixes with the smoke and becomes irradiated causing this mass zombification.

Now, I have a zombie hunting permit.  It sits right beside my terrorist hunting permit on my writing desk.  The thing I am worried about is all of you that do not have a permit.  Does that mean the wildlife officer is going to knock at your door if you take down a zombie?  Does the wildlife commission regulate zombie hunting?  I was asked one time if I saw Bigfoot in the woods while hunting would I shoot him.  I answered 'no'.  I could only imagine the fine I would get for that.  When asked the same question about a mountain lion, I also answered 'no'.  But the person asking me had a good point.  If the wildlife commission says there are no mountain lion in North Carolina, and you shoot one, how could they write you a ticket?  If there are no mountain lion, then you must NOT have shot one.

Let me get back to the point of the column though.  The CDC wants us to prepare for a zombie apocalypse.  Would you just hunker down and try to defend your property?  I envision a different way of survival.  Think of a deer and its herd.  The deer goes out on the same routine day in and day out.  As a hunter, I try to figure out that routine so I can increase my chances of success.  If I figure out the pattern successfully, I get to put meat in the freezer.  I would rather be the hunter than the deer.  So based on that scenario, I say go out looking for the zombies.  If you wait for them to come to you, they may have already figured out your routine and then the zombie gets to put meat in its freezer, or wherever zombies put their food.

I have mentioned before I love to bowhunt.  I think bowhunting would be great for zombies.  I can re-use the arrows.  In the movies I have seen, they have never climbed up a tree.  My climbing stand should do just fine.  Until I run out of arrows that are stuck in the ground.  Maybe I would take a rifle and a shotgun too.  And remove the plug from the shotgun.  I did not see where there was a limit on zombies in the regulations digest.

Bill Howard writes a weekly outdoors column for the Wilson Times and Yancey County News and the bowhunting blog site He is a Hunter Education and International Bowhunter Education instructor, lifetime member of the North Carolina Bowhunters Association, Bowhunter Certification Referral Service Chairman, member and official measurer of Pope and Young, and a regular contributor to North Carolina Bowhunter Magazine.


  1. Great post! I always wonder why, if they are so hungry for human flesh, they don't eat each other. I guess we'll find out for sure come tomorrow!

  2. We should all read more Carrie Ryan books to prepare for this zombie apopaclypse! I don't remember any game wardens at all in her books.

  3. I'd move the stand to a sturdy tree standing in a few feet of slow moving water. That ought to slow the buggers down. Plus the shot ones would float away. I bet those double dead zombies stink pretty bad.

    If I used a fish arrow, I could reel in my missed shots using a heavy Muskie or Catfish rod and reel. Might even be able to horse out some of the arrows that were hits. Probably can't call it a kill on a zombie, can you? I mean their already dead.

    I should stop rambling and go buy some more arrows. I wonder if Dicks is open late tonight.

    With tomorrow being zombie day and all, I bet the arrows are sold out.

    Thanks for the post, enjoyed it!

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